Spiders, The Future, and Black People.
There’s a plethora of spiders in our basement/my dungeon. I see 3-4 new spiders every week. I would name them all, but I do not name evil nor the devil. These spiders appear in many different shapes and locations. Some spiders are small, some spiders are really fucking big and I break down in tears. Seriously…spiders are really scary. Look at it this way. Is a huge black gangster holding a gun and a baseball bat scary? Yes…yes he is. But how many legs does he have? Two you say? Well a spider has 8…now picture the very same gangster with 8 fucking legs. Conclusion: The more legs; the more scary.
I’ve done a lot of spider hunting since our move in, and frankly, i’m tired of it. So instead of ignoring the spiders and getting “rid” of them as they magically appear, I decided to find the hell portal in which they protrude from. There was no hole, but there was hell. It was a hell crack. And there isn’t just one crack, there are many. I found the first portal of evil accompanied with a spider. I gently stabbed the spider in the face with a knife and it instantly hissed at me and then descended into the depths of Spidertopia. This is most likely their base of operations. Now I could have easily donned my “Plate Armor of the Gargantuan Beast”, self cast “Shrink Rank 8″, gone into the crack and battled the battle of all battles with Undead Spiders until the end of time while eventually reaching level 1 million IRL…but I’m a nice guy, so instead I taped up that and several other cracks. No magic will be needed here. I still have a lot of crack filling to do (insert gay joke here) before I can have a peaceful nights sleep.
Enough with the scary spiders…
I took Thursday off last week to go to court. I missed the original court date due the fact that I can’t not remember not well…that quadruple negative took me a bit to write…I don’t even know if it works. So court was actually alright. I wouldn’t mind going again…as long as I don’t pay fines. Tejon’s court experience was drastically different then Kiowa’s. At Kiowa you actually had to sit/stand in a courtroom for 2 hrs and have to watch/listen to everyone’s pleas and sentences. It’s fucking boring. With the above experience I was dreading the Tejon court date. Indeed I dreaded unnecessarily. First thing I noticed that was better @ Tejon was the lack of an actual courtroom. It’s just a huge fkn room with chairs. I’m down with that. Second, the walls were lined with TV’s. Third, the TVs were all playing movies. Fourth the “rights” movie you are FORCED to watch at Kiowa was optional here (optional in the fact that you could just say you saw it already aka lie). I’d say the only drawback to the entire experience was the movie choice. Mission Impossible II. I was reminded of how shitty of a movie it was, and that motorcycles can jump off of flat surfaces if your name is Tom fucking Cruise.
Last thing on the list. I suck. Flat out. I suck. Preferably balls. Black balls. Licorice flavor.
I lost my fucking keys to my fucking car. I searched high and low and found nothing…so then I just got high. I honestly have no clue where they are at. I lose shit all the time and usually shit always shows up. ALWAYS. Like I lose shit all the time but I never LOSE LOSE shit. Alright I just lied right there, I’m sure I’ve lost a lot of things. Those don’t count though…because I said so.
I called up a VW dealership to see what kind of deal I could work out to get new keys. It took me five minutes to realize I hate senseless innovation and the future. Yeah computers are cool and so is space and shit…but laser cut keys and CPU programmable cars are fucking retarded. I called them up and I was informed I would A) Need to get my car towed to their dealership B) Get my car’s CPU reprogrammed and C) Shell out 250ish bones for a new laser cut key. I’m pretty sure you don’t need a FUCKING LASER TO CUT A FUCKING KEY. O well. So I’m calling them today to get my car towed and shit. I should have keys and a mobile vehicle by Thursday hopefully. In the mean time I’ll listen to the numbers rising higher and higher on my credit card. Fuck the future….and fuck spiders…especially spiders from the future.
