The Bish

We all have names right? My name is Mathew, his name is Greg, and that guys name is Asshole. Obviously most of us did not name ourselves; the decisions were left to our non-English speaking mothers who fucked up our names. But it’s ok. Though…if you could choose your own name what would it be?

I could think of countless names that are cooler than “Mathew” i.e. “African Thunder”, “Norweigan Whirlpool”, or “Hot Pocket.” These 3 names are at least 100 times cooler than Mathew. But I can’t just CHANGE my name, I am Mathew; Mathew is I. Plus I’d like to be accepted within society, as names like “Chair” or “Microwave” (which I 100% approve of and endorse) are not acceptable in 2008 America.

When do we get to choose names? And how often are these names really fucking stupid?

Welcome to the world of online gaming. Choose your name, create your identity, be a different person.

I felt like going through all the names I’ve used and explaining the crap-factor of all of them so you will not make the same mistakes I did. Prepare yourself.

The first name I used in my first “real” game I’ve ever played(EQ) was Jollar Kantrell. The name was somewhat derived from a magic card. Now most of you are like…well…what’s wrong with that Bishop? Well the question is the problem…the name didn’t make you laugh, it didn’t make you say, “how witty Bishop”, and it didn’t make you say “that’s really fucking stupid, please quit life.” It’s a normal un-unique name. I am random guy #9876 with a random unmeaningful name. I was in 5th grade, so I get to cut myself some slack for being a god damn retard.

Lesson One: Don’t choose a generic random name that isn’t funny, witty, or shitty. If the name you choose is blatantly normal…don’t fucking use it. All you’ve done was take IRL naming mechanics and put them into a game…a game should be as far away from IRL as possible.

After Jollar Kantrell I used the alias Demias Dreadsong…the shitty-ness of my name in Everquest actually de-evolved to something even worse, a “real world multi-worded name.” The Demias part…not too shabby, I did use the “Generate Name” button to get it, but once again, the 1st half of my name falls into lesson one’s “do not do” list, while the second half awards me retard of the server.

Lesson Two: Do not use 2 words to form 1 new word. Obviously dreadsong is not a word. But song is a word and dread is also a word. The only thing these 2 words form when next to each other is a shitty name. Other names that fall in this category to help you out would be, “Destroyerman”, “Faithcaster”, “MassiveFire”, etc etc. These types of names are just really really bad. No matter what you pick, all you’ve done was select 2 very normal English words and fused them together to create one fantastic piece of shit.

Those were the only two names I used in the world of Everquest. I eventually quit EQ due to its irrational circular logic within the game mechanics. I now moved onto the world of First Person Shooters (FPS). Naming yourself here was a little different. I wasn’t a warrior; I wasn’t a bard, or some kind of black sorcerer of death. I was a crosshair. That was it, my goal…shoot faces. I really wanted a good name to go by. I wanted something scary…something ghoulish, something EXTREME. So I looked at a table and saw a fly(the insect kind) and then I put the word super in front of it, and THEN I decided I would capitalize every other letter so my name would be “different.” SuPeRfLy…little did I know that a pro wrestler who goes by the name of Superfly already existed.

Lesson Three: Do NOT capitalize every other letter of your name. It looks shitty and it’s NOT different because every 12 year old who plays an online FPS does it or did it. Lesson three also involves using non-letter characters as characters i.e. 1337 5p34k. I must inform you, being 1337 is not cool, if anything, it means you’re a pre-pubescent teenager who has yet to get laid. Here are some examples. “H3|| |24i53r” and “|)4|Vg3|2 8()8″…Ok 2 is enough as it takes too long to type these out. Can you decipher them? They both say, “I’m a big fucking idiot”

Eventually I settled on the name “Flashlight Bandit”, which I totally stole from a 12 year old kid named Ronnie. He used it one time and I thought it was hilarious. In counter-strike your flashlight is visible through walls, so everyone knew where you were at and where you were going. “Flashlight Bandit” was somewhat funny and ironic.

Lesson Four: Don’t steal names from 12 year old children, as your friends will find out and ridicule you until the end of times…plus stealing just isn’t cool. *cough*www.essaybank.co.uk*cough*

I eventually dropped off the word bandit and just used flashlight. I sorta stopped caring about my name(s) and was satisfied with the name “Flashlight”. Though the name flashlight actually opened up a whole new world of naming I call “random everyday shit.”

The way “random everyday shit” work is just like how you’d expect it to work. Look at shit nearest to you randomly and then use it as your name. Look to your right, you see a lamp? Now try the word Lamp. Didn’t take it? Look some more…Shoe? Shoe works. Your name is now Shoe.

The reason behind this idea is A) its random, and random is funny B) dictionary words are usually restricted/banned in games(MMOs), so getting a dictionary word as your name is sorta of a sense of accomplishment in regards to knowing game developers never got to the end of the dictionary and or skipped several hundred pages.

A plethora of fucking weird names totally unrelated to the games genre or gameplay were soon born. The way I see it, no one wants to be named Lamp or Shoe, and also whatever MMO you are playing SHOULD have this banned/blacklisted. So now every time I play a game I have a few core names of random everyday shit, and so do my friends. After 10 years of gaming nearly 8hrs everyday…these are mine and my friend’s master pieces.

Names I’ve used

Mathew (because i only have 1 t in my name, this name is unusually open for grabs, even if a server has been out for 1+ year), Flashlight, Keyboard, Slavery, Because, Below, About, Science, Scientist, Aphrican American, Powers, there’s more…but you get the idea. Obviously I wouldn’t use the name Scientist or Science if the game was Sci-Fi related, as that would be expected…I would use the name Scientist if I was a medieval ranger who shoots arrows…why? Because it makes no fucking sense. Now I WOULD used Aphrican American as my characters name if I was playing DAOC as a Kobold, because they are blue…like black people…and racism is funny.

Now Which of these 2 name will leave an impressionable memory after you were killed by them…”Jollar” or “ToasterOven”…I know for a fact I will tell all my friends the very next day that some badass named “ToasterOven” killed me and then ridicule Jollar for naming himself after a magic card.

Names my friends have used:

Indian(s), Horse, Gir, Childs, Soup, Trumpet, Trombone, Cello, Hamburglar(s), Shoe, Clock, Sheep, Rabbit, Bear, and Human. What’s really fucking funny is that my friend and little brother were using the names “Indian” and “Hamburglar”, they both got reported by other players for having names that were too “non game related”…so…they added an S at the end of their name and they were both good to go as the GM recgonized Indian and Hamburgar as no longer bring on the server, little did they know Indians and Hamburglars were running around in the masses.

Final Lession: Don’t try to pick a name that is cool, because no matter what you choose it won’t be “cool”. Don’t be cliché with your name i.e. if you play a caster and you choose the name “Hex or Vex” you’re just an uncreative asshole. If you can’t get a name because it’s already take don’t add numbers to it. When I see the name Fireryblaze768 all I think about it how there are possibly 767 other Fireyblazes. Don’t use famous names from movies or games…well because…it’s not your fucking name, i.e. Neo, Morpheus, Legolas…don’t fucking use them…and don’t add 10 s(s) to the name Legolas to make Legolassssssssss.

Be original, be creative, be you…don’t try and be cool or awesome…just choose a name.

Currently I use my normal human name…mostly due to the fact that no one else uses their real names online and also normal human names like Pat, Bob, and Matt are usually banned from most MMO’s day 1 of the servers coming online…like…Mathew…my level 70 Dwarf Priest on Boulderfist is probably the only char on the entire server with a normal human name…plus it’s easy to type.

First person shooters I am “gcf.mathew”. In WoW I play as “Mathew”, “Keyboard”, and “Hair”.

Name well.